A Friday Afternoon Spent in Bed


Whoever coined the phrase “get out there and enjoy life” failed to consider the joys one can gain by simply staying in.

After a very successful week of getting back into the school groove, beginning some new classes, and starting a brand new, exciting internship, I’m spending my Friday afternoon in bed.

Normally, an afternoon in bed means I haven’t the motivation or desire to do anything else. I deal with my share of depressive episodes that make it very difficult to appreciate the best parts of life, so when I find myself fully relaxed, engrossed, and at peace, I’ve learned to recognize and appreciate it.

Have a wonderful Friday!  I am.

Aaaand I’m Back!

It’s So Good to Be Back!

Where Have I Been?

For those of you who haven’t noticed (probably most of you), I have been blog silent for a little over a week now. I really should have anticipated my absence and set up a few scheduled posts, but oh well.

Anyway, school started back this past week, and I have been absolutely swamped with schedule shifting, frantic book ordering, trying and failing to become accustomed to a new sleep schedule, completely spazzing out and forgetting to do my very first assignment in Advanced Fiction Writing, and pretty much just spending all my off-time completely exhausted mentally and physically.

But the good news is, the beginning of the semester firestorm has calmed, and things are finally settling into a comfy groove, so I am back.

I know this blog hasn’t been up for long, but in my short time as Your Forever Faithful Dysfunctional Writer I have become accustomed to posting daily, reading and replying to other blogs, and just basically participating in the blogging community. Each day I wasn’t able to log on, I felt a pang like something was missing. It’s crazy how quickly we can become attached to things like that.

What’s New?

Aside from the return to my hectic schedule, I seem to have tapped into a new fountain of creativity somehow. Allow me to explain…

There’s this thing I do, and I’m sure it’s something most of us experience. When I’m lying in bed trying to get to sleep, my mind begins to wander and all sorts of random things pop up. I might remember a bill that’s past due that I forgot to pay and all of a sudden I’m freaking out, and it takes forever to calm back down enough to fall asleep… sometimes it’ll be something I need to do that I forgot about or something I wish I’d done differently.

Imagine for a moment… You’re in bed for the night, and as you begin to drift off to sleep slowly and methodically, different parts of your body slip into auto-pilot. The last part to go is usually your brain, and as you’re laying there completely relaxed and on the verge of blissful unconsciousness, your unsupervised mind just starts spastically spitting out random negative thoughts like a pitching machine on overdrive. Suddenly, not only is it impossible to sleep but your entire body tenses up, completely ruining the groovy relaxation thing you had going on. That’s pretty much a normal night for me.

Lately however, rather than the usual stream of anxiety-ridden thoughts, it’s been this insanely creative stuff. Now, of course I’m still missing sleep because I spend half the night hanging off the edge of the bed, frantically typing these ideas into the Google Keep app on my phone, but being productive and sleep deprived is always better than simply being sleep deprived. Right?

I credit my new-found fountain of creativity to two causes:

1. I haven’t been blogging, so my regular flow of creativity is stifled all day while my brain’s busy handling normal operating procedures such as driving, absorbing 100 pages of various literature, throwing together grocery lists, fretting over syllabi, and wondering whether my mascara is smeared or not. Later in the semester when I have three literary analyses, two not-so-short short stories, and 14 poems due all in the same week, it might be a different story. Which is exactly why I’m bottling all this useful crap now in my nifty app… Speaking of innumerable assignments…

2. School is back! If I haven’t mentioned it enough before… I absolutely love being a student. Just being in the classroom and engaging in discussion makes me happier than any other activity… Well, almost any other activity. I mean, it’s seriously too bad a “professional student” isn’t a thing because I would totally be down for that.

So, yeah. I’m back. 🙂

P.S. For those of you who entered my book giveaway and won, I did finally get the books shipped a few days ago. They’re traveling “media mail,” so it might be a little slow going, but they are on their way!

The Obliteration of the Rare and Precious “Great Mood”

I woke up this morning around 6 o’clock, and I have to admit, I felt great. My husband and I stayed in bed talking and joking for a couple hours, and it was wonderful. It was fun. We decided to get up and get some breakfast and watch a movie.

Now when I’m feeling really good, I’m always super motivated to work or write. So I sat down to watch this movie with my husband, and I got my notebook and some pens. I was situated on the couch, comfy, felt fantastic. Which is so rare these days. And then my dad, who lives with my husband and I, came into the living room to ask if I could take him to his doctor’s appointment.

Now don’t get me wrong, I would do anything in the world for my dad, and there is no way I would want him driving himself to his doctor’s appointment if he didn’t feel well enough to drive, but what bothers me is that he is a diabetic, and for some reason he insists on fasting before every doctor’s visit… even after the doctor has told him it isn’t necessary.

So he got up and took his insulin shot and his other diabetes medication which both lower his blood sugar, but he didn’t eat, so it lowers his blood sugar when it isn’t even high to begin with. So his head starts feeling all swimmy, and he doesn’t need to drive…. Which is understandable, but if he would just eat something this wouldn’t happen.

So I’m not as upset about having to get up and leave my husband and leave the movie and leave my motivation behind as I am about the fact that I don’t feel like my dad always makes the best decisions for himself. I wish I could be more confident about the fact that he’ll do what he needs to do instead of what he thinks he should do.

So now I’m sitting at the doctor’s office in my pajamas. My hair is mess, no makeup on, and my mood is pretty much ruined. But the good news is, we made it here safely, and I did make him drink some orange juice on the way, which he said cleared his head, so all is well.

I just really wanted to finish that movie with my husband and share that rare and precious good mood with him because I know he misses it as much as I do.

I feel so selfish even typing this right now, but it’s the truth. My worries about my dad affect my depression and anxieties. And no matter what the situation is, it seems like when those rare moments of happiness and calmness happen, something stops them in their tracks.

I think I need to really work on not letting things get to me so easily, but it’s hard. That’s all part of it. On top of the world one minute, and it’s ruined at the drop of a hat.

Note: Please forgive any grammar mutilation or typos as this post was vented in haste from my phone. I’ll come back and clean it up later. 😐

Everything is Always Fine Until It Isn’t

After I quit my job, I went through a really tough time adjusting to all the down time. I’m used to constantly going. I worked full time, and I go to school full time, so on a normal basis, I was busy 90% of the time. Sure it was stressful, but it actually helped me stay focused and keep my mind busy.

But when I quit my job, school was on winter break, and suddenly I had nothing to do. No purpose. No deadlines. No obligations. Instead of taking advantage of my newfound freedom and vegging out on the couch or going out with friends, I fell into a pretty deep funk. It lasted a couple weeks.

But the past few weeks have been great. I’d made that slow climb back to normalcy, and I felt like me again. Until yesterday.

I don’t even know what happened. I went to bed about the same time I normally do. The only difference is, when it came time to get up, I decided not to. I slept for close to 22 hours, and when I finally managed to drag myself out of bed, I was right back in the hole I’d just gotten out of.

What happens exactly? Is there a trigger? Is it random? Do I unknowingly self-sabotage? I really wish I knew the answers to these questions.

Do kids build snowmen (or shall we say snowpersons) anymore?

I absolutely loved this post. It addresses a lot of the complex feelings I have toward technology. I love my phone, and I think it’s amazing that I can find the answer to any question no matter where I am or that I can play Candy Crush while I wait in the Dr. office’s waiting room for an hour, but I also have a nostalgic part of me that’s so very sad about these “mass extinctions”. My feelings on the subject are torn.

On one hand… When I was in high school, there was no Wikipedia. We did it the old school way–encyclopedias! It makes me glad that I waited so many years to go to college. It’s MUCH easier to research when you’ve got any given reference at your fingertips. The convenience factor is huge. And yeah, I’ve enjoyed my share of video games, social media sites, and come on… online shopping is amazing.

However, at the same time, I get really sad when I think about it. When I was younger, my friends and I would play store, school, house, or go out and ride bikes. We scraped our knees, got in trouble for staying out past dinner, and I read A LOT.

It really upsets me to talk to kids who’ve literally never ridden a bike or who can tell you more about Spongebob than their friends from school. My best friends were from my neighborhood, and that was because we actually spent time outside, and I met them there. We would have sleepovers and tell ghost stories or give each other make-overs instead of signing onto XBox live and talking to each other through headsets from our own homes or inviting someone over only to spend the entire time staring at separate screens.

So while I will admit the technological boom has it’s advantages and has made many of life’s burdens much more simple, I feel like it’s killing a part of our culture. When was the last time you watched a kid catch lightening bugs? Sure, we’re able to meet and talk to people who are halfway across the world, people we never would have had a chance to meet without the internet, but we aren’t even really talking to our families or the people sitting right next to us half the time.

I understand the irony of posting this on a blog. Ha! Yes, yes, I know. But, I can’t just abstain from mourning these beloved past times. I would be extremely grateful for my cell phone or OnStar if I were stranded somewhere, but is it too much to miss some of the old ways? When people were actually social… not just connected through social media?

Unfortunately, I am not a parent yet… but when I am, I really hope I’m able to have the time to take my kids outside and raise them to have an appreciation for life on both sides of the screen.

Create-a-holic Writer

Where have all the kids gone? It’s been eons since I’ve seen a snowman on a front lawn.

snowman_finishing_touchWhen I was a kid, there was an entire clan of snowmen in my front yard from November until April. (Yes, we had lonnnggg winters. That’s life, when you live in Sudbury. When we stood at our living room window, we couldn’t see anything but snow banks. It was almost summer vacation before the rest of the street materialized once again.)

Recently, I drove through my neighborhood the day after a big honkin’ snowstorm and I did not see one snowman. I didn’t even see any kids. Now, I know that scientists claim we’re in the midst of a whole whack of mass extinctions, but I’m pretty sure that kids aren’t one of the species on the list (though snowmen seem to be).

The modern decline in snowmen really concerns me, and after…

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The Official Story of My Demons and Me — The Long Version

Autobiography of a Dysfunctional Writer –The Extended Version

I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression for my entire life, I think. I spent my first fourteen years in a “perfect” family setting (perfect for me). We had cook-outs and parties for holidays. We had a nineteen-foot Christmas tree in our two-story living room, and when I was ten years old, my parents brought home my baby brother, Josh.

Family: The Early Years

I remember feeding him and changing diapers. He was my real-life baby doll. When he would whimper from his crib in the next room, I would run to see if he was okay. Of course, my parents thought it was so sweet. I loved him.

Several years later, we had moved into a bigger home, built a pool, and I started the middle-school/high-school climb. I began doing all the normal stuff that you have to hide from your parents—smoking, drinking, smoking pot, sneaking out.

My dad smoked pot my entire life. It was normal to me. I thought all adults did it. On the weekends, my parents had parties where eight or nine people would sit around getting high and playing cards or dice. All I knew was that I wasn’t supposed to tell anybody at school what my parents did because it was our business. I never told… until it became cool. Then I bragged. “Yeah, I swiped this bud from my dad’s stash. It’s some good shit too.” Continue reading